What would you do for money?

Things hasn't been going all too well for me. I can't put my finger on exactly what caused my failures, I can't keep blaming luck, even though I believe it is whats happening.

In between Jacob's 1st birthday till now, things are going from bad to worse to not very live-able to worse to very bad.

And if I can't blame luck for working with .. immature boss and a boss who is all out for conning money, I don't know what I can blame on.

Boy boss had a very good act on. In the beginning he was a swell guy, everyone of us thought he was such a nice guy. A bit inexperience in the real business world but he was genuinely quite alright. Suddenly, with an invite to a nightclub, it all changed. He felt he fell in love with a 'songstress' 28 years old with a child to boot. He has been telling all of us how he is so experienced with this type of girls and we all warned him as best as we could. But he was stubborn and insist this girl is different. What a laugh! And it all changed! He lost focus and not only that, all his lies and all the mr nice guy was actually an act! He lives in a well! And he thinks he knows MORE than anyone else. His claims of what he used to do, what he is capable off started to fall apart when push came to shove. His ego was BIGGER than his partner, which is also another character, but at least that partner knew when to stand down when proven wrong. Things came to head when I was asked to leave coz he was shutting down the company, which in effect, wasn't true. He just had no guts to tell it straight to my face. Well so i said, its just unfortunate for me.

This current company.. is what nightmares are made off. Yes, its the dreaded mobile subscription company. The ones which promises there is some prize up for grabs. The one which made the Zynga CEO stand up and admit that he allowed such scams to happen in his games, popular games in facebook like Farmville, mafia wars etc.

This boss is SO FOCUSED on conning and scamming the public, he doesn't care if his content is SHIT to bits. As long as 1 stupid person clicks on the banner and subscribes, he wins. Even though now its easy to unsubscribe he still got your first sales which you can't.. do anything about.

Where do I fit in this picture? I'm the web guy, the guy who finds the websites to advertise, CPCs, CPAs, revenue shares, just as long as you can put up my banner, you get paid. I hate it, because i know its a scam. WIN PS2, WIN iPhone 3GS, WIN blackberry storm2, WIN macbook air THERE IS NO SUCH THING. We don't even conduct the draws much less having the prize to giveaway! YES! its a scam just as long as u subscribe I must do anything to get your attention.

Why do I continue to do it? because Jacob needs milk powder. I swallow my dignity. I give up my morals to do that basic thing a father must do. Feed the baby.

I'm not a guy with very high morals, neither do I have a lot of virtues. But one thing I have is the ability to know what is right and wrong. I hate being here. I hate doing this job. But its the only thing now... Its horrible.. it tears my guts and soul out piece by piece, slowly and surely.

The office is like a funeral parlour. Totally quiet as if everyone is very busy. Everyone eats lunch on their own, they don't even go out with each other! There is totally 0 camaraderie.

Want the bad news now? I was threatened not to be paid at the end of the month because my results are poor (which means too little people fall for the scam/fraud) . Because of my salary scale, it can't be brought forward to the government ministry, it has to be settled in court IF I don't get paid.

What i totally can't believe is.. Yet I'm still here everyday, on time. For my baby son. I don't have a choice.

All my experience and my contacts, my knowledge goes to waste here. People say hold on, wait for something better. is there really something better? When will it come?

I've never felt more suicidal than now.